“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”