“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Thrilling chase underway
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.