“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.