Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.