Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I love the National Park Service.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes