Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Not to brag, but my car now gets 3 months per gallon.
how did harry potter get down the hill?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually