‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

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Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.


[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.


“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.


The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*


My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.


[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually