@CAshmanActor

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

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@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@Merman_Melville

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

@david8hughes

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

@ComedicBust

When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.

@IAmKashWah

*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
– Damn

@literalporn

WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN’T USE A DAMN ONE

@Nicholey23

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.

@badAzz_mom

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats