‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”