can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.