If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.