@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

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@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@Thynebear

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

@ArfMeasures

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@EndhooS

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@sixfootcandy

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

@MrT1M

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@UncleDuke1969

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.