“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting