Me: Wanna go out?
Her: You’re not Black
Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.
Me: That’s not why you like them?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA
Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle