“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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#Caturday
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?