@GrantTanaka

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

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@HairyJew4Life

Me: Wanna go out?

Her: You’re not Black

Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.

Her: …

Me: That’s not why you like them?

@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

@SequelsWeWant

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@calebsaysthings

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

@Dunn_Right

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

@slimmy_shady

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

@KyleMcDowell86

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle