Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
pelicons
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.