[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You Might Also Like
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”