Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My patronus is a cheeseburger
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.