@good2go013
@jonnysun
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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@jonnysun
@jessokfine
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
@prufrockluvsong
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
@Thynebear
[phone w/ fiancรฉ]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
@Mardigroan
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
@Dani_Feld
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
@SondraDeeMe
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
@Staggfilms
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
@PhilJamesson
the composer
@prufrockluvsong
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.