Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Roweboat13G

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@Ellierocks2013

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

@GoldenSpirals

I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@spaghetti_lips

Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas