Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Canada has seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
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You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I hate when I buy new shoes,
and I have to learn to drive all over again.
Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas