@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

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@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancรฉ]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@Mardigroan

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@SondraDeeMe

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@Staggfilms

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

@prufrockluvsong

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.