Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
You Might Also Like
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.