Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
North and South
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.