My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it