Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
You Might Also Like
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?