*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.
I do however, scream while doing so.
I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.
And Facebook is going to pay for it.
Make Twitter Great Again.