@Baeflix

Canada’s weather be like

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@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

@MrsFancyPants77

I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.

@TheQuietPsycho

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

@jwoodham

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@allthenachos

We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.