canadian assassins are called killergrams
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.