canadian assassins are called killergrams
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.