Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I need better friends
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing