I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!
Meditation is just the gateway drug to flat out ignoring people.
Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.