[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.
“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”
“You said that a week ago.”
“Ya. I’m still working on it.”
Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*