@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

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@mommajessiec

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

@BraandoCommando

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

@Sickayduh

“I think it’s about time we had a white president”

– 8 year olds

@koalaslament

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

@pant_leg

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it