CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.