Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“I think it’s about time we had a white president”
– 8 year olds
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it