ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price