@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

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@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@underchilde

Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

@GrantTanaka

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

@omgthatspunny

Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.