CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face


“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


Dear Prudence,

We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.

Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.



gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes


Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.


“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.


I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks