Canadian owl: Eh?
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Leonardo DiCaprisun
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck