I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed