Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…