Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
me and my fake scenarios
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful