I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.