Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@ch000ch

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

@iwearaonesie

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

@ArfMeasures

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@ramenfuneral

my birthday is a month from today and all i want is this

@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.