Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

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My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.


[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.


Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…


“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.


[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]


Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.


Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.


How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?


A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.