@Bratterina
My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.
@hardasamother
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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@Bratterina
@CatsVsHumanity
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
@ClichedOut
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
@lalenguafuerte
Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”
I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…
@Reverend_Scott
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
@hpb777
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
@kimt205
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
@Xalqee
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
@jackiembouvier
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
@sweetmomissa
A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.