@hardasamother

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

You Might Also Like

@Bratterina

My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.

@ClichedOut

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

@lalenguafuerte

Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…

@Reverend_Scott

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@Xalqee

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

@sweetmomissa

A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.