Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

in the ocean

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.