Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.


DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.


Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.


[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget


Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”


Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority


In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.


[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya


GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates


*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*