Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
pep talk
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Otters see a butterfly.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal