Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Finally! 😈
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.