Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”