Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back