Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
😂 amazing answer
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!