Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”