If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You Might Also Like
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭