canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
three things we don’t talk about
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Nice try, poison.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web