the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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Me: Talk dirty to me
Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early
M: God yes
H: I won’t set an alarm
M: Don’t stop!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree