canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
No YOUR a grammar nazi!