Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Duck typos.
i can’t wait that long
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”