Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
You Might Also Like
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?