@Sorrowscopes: Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what's left of Gary.
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@amazymay72x: My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Just let her down easy ME: Ok [later] ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
@LaBaPete: Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.
@alexjmann: You should marry the first person who can understand what you're saying while you brush your teeth.