Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
🤣🤣
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.