@ candidates for local office
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.