[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?