Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

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9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now


doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him


“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian


7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.


Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is


On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.


Being Asian means I will look 20 until I turn 65 then the next day I look 2000.


7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.


Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.


Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?