@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

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@mom_ontherocks

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

@OllyiConic

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

@WilliamAder

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

@TennisShoeBoi

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

@sarawrencomedy

Being Asian means I will look 20 until I turn 65 then the next day I look 2000.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?