Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle