Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”