Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
This is a bad sign
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it