My hips? Compulsive liars.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?