Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Good dog. ❤️
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy