Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet