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@ThaJawn: (Cannibalism anonymous)
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
@Tha1thtgotawy: Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?
Asking for a friend.
@Douchekevin: You'll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.
@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
@AsgardianRose: The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party*
HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!!
*wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*