(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps

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JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding


Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness


ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it


me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”


Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong


H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.


I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.