JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
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Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
M: The MOST annoying?
M: I’ll take it.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.