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@ThaJawn: (Cannibalism anonymous)
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
@baronvonbike: I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
@TheRolo: Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we're ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
@_SingleBabyMama: I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I'll show them.
@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
@AndrewChamings: In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.